Faith

“Complete trust or confidence in someone or something”

I had trouble with my faith because I’ve had trouble with trust. Complete trust is something I’ve never had.

A friend called me out on not having faith. Even though I was doing the things—I was praying, I was reading my Bible, I was being “good”—she was right. I didn’t have faith because I didn’t have trust. To trust, I would have had to let go and risk falling to rock bottom. I would have had to give up the belief that no one was coming to save me.

I’ve had the belief that no one was coming to save me, that I was meant to be in this life alone. Even when I was shown otherwise, I still came back to that deep-rooted belief. It was like the soil my flower was grown in. Trusting that someone—something—would come to my rescue was hard.

But as I cried out to God with my bank account over-drafted and my car repossessed, all I had was faith that He would do what He said He would—and I demanded it. I prayed to God and told Him, I need your help. You said you would help me, that you would be my shepherd, that I would lack nothing—and I need you to show me. I need you to help me keep the faith because I have nothing else.

I wouldn’t let go, and I hit rock bottom. And it wasn’t a soft landing. It knocked me out and took everything I had. But that’s what I needed to see God—to feel His presence, to see the harvest from the seeds I had been planting.

Harvest

I realized that for the past months I had been planting seeds for my harvest. I was planting seeds of faith in God, and as my world continued to crumble, I kept praying. I kept planting. Even when it seemed like my harvest would never come, I had a small hope that trusting God would see me through. And that friend reminded me that all I needed was a mustard seed of faith.

I had to stop performing faith and truly trust that God would come to rescue me—that He would save me.

For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

— Matthew 17:20