Blind-Folded

I feel like this year has been a season of me walking my path blindfolded — a season meant to really test my faith.

Not being able to see, to understand, or to know has made life so scary for me because I feel out of control more than ever before.

When I think about it, I spent the majority of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop — waiting for the bad thing to happen so I could be “prepared.” That made me feel in control. It gave me the illusion that not if but when things broke, I would know how to fix them.

But now I’m in a season of the unknown. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I feel blindsided by all the losses I’ve had this year, like I was thrown into the middle of a war, taking hit after hit, and I’m barely standing.

I feel like I’m doing everything right — like I’m faithful and abiding — and yet I still don’t understand why.

And I think growing up Black, we learn that you don’t question. You don’t question your elders, you don’t question the rules, and you absolutely don’t question God.

Habakkuk 1:2–3

“How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? … Why do you make me look at injustice?”

But I do question God — not because I don’t have faith or because I’m not devoted to my path, but because as a human on this planet, sometimes I seek a logical understanding. Sometimes I want to see the big picture. Sometimes I need confirmation.

And that is okay.

It is okay to seek God and to want to know when the rainy season will be over, when things will get better. Because that means I’m seeking Him. It means I’m drawing myself closer to Him.

I’m not abandoning my faith by seeking answers — I’m realizing just how powerful my God is.